Don't be a schmuck.

I'm not in a funny mood lately, so if you're waiting for me to post a picture of a cat wearing a Transformer's costume or a rant about my friends skip this, we'll get to that later.

For anyone else there's this; in hopes that it might give you some inkling of insight.

I don't have bad luck. You don't either, there's no such thing. That's just something people say when they don't want to take responsibility for the things happening around them or are ignorant enough to feel victimized when life doesn't go their way. It's nothing but an excuse for people who surround themselves with emotionally unstable people, live in rougher areas, or have family lives with a plague of problems.

You aren't a chopping block and when you act like one there's zero room for self improvement. You'll never soul search and see a situation for what it really is because you've blinded yourself with a pity party. Stop. Either take the initiative and better what's in front of you or walk away. Walking away doesn't mean you're running from your problems, it means you fold and there's nothing wrong with that.

Rough situations don't make you stronger, they never will. What makes you stronger is your awareness of it and acceptance of yourself as someone who has made. a. mistake. People suck. They do and say terrible things that could alter the way you mentally operate for the rest of your life. You'll feel like you can never trust again and be filled with hate. That's good. Now you can be the person who was betrayed and is strong enough to still let people in. Strong enough to allow multiple chances. True strength is being honest with yourself and becoming durable with the hits, brushing yourself off, and charging back in there.

Being vulnerable is strength. It takes a lot of willpower for someone to be open again after feeling continuously screwed. Forgive yourself and move on. That will help you when you need it most. Know yourself. Get hurt, find out why, and actually use the experience. Quit saying "it'll make me stronger" when you have no intention of seeing the big picture.

There's no such thing as bad luck. There's the dilemma and how you approach it. There's the person who fucked up your world and there's you not letting them take something from you. They can't take your trust, compassion, and self worth; you're giving it to them in defeat. Man up and hold onto the things that make you you. Bounce back with your new found strength because it wont be the last time something happens. I can promise you that.

Staging a Coup

I'm an avid believer in bullying my mother and stealing things I like (or dislike) from her house. And an avid believer in corporal punishment...now that I don't live with her.

Feel free to judge, but deep down you're wishing you had four sets of measuring cups and countless books on home decor.

Here's the previous inventory count of mom's fridge:

• Six bottles of obscure/repulsive beer
• Two bottles of gin
• Two jars of huckleberry jam
• Noodles

So, mom's big on decorating the house with antiques and fanciness, but she has this god awful light up gnome. And when anyone asks about it she says "it's French."
Probably because it's creepy, plastic, and constantly lit.

Shifty Bastard...

Enough was enough. I left this in it's place..

We took some pictures, had a few laughs... Mom didn't think it was funny...

Getting silly on New Years

Then one night while I was at work, I received these pictures. Slowly.. One by one. I figured out what had happened when I saw my attack wolf incarcerated.

Marching down the street... utter confusion.

 Huh... Familiar screen door.

Oh dear God.....

Celebration of all men green.

How those little men cornered my vicious guard brute into a cage is beyond me... He'd be more useful as a jacket.

Moral: Take Toy Story more seriously.

Oh, NOW he wants to play.

I know this is starting to get confusing so I'll make a "character" list for your reference. 

I'd call it a "friend" list but...well....

Just try and stay with me here.

[Insert-Friend's-Name-Here-Because-He's-Failing-To-Take-This-Seriously-And-Now-I-Have-To-Fucking-Ramble-So-He-Doesn't-Get-To-Play-Until-An-Update] from my previous post is now to be called "Hobo Fett."  I guess.

Names are permanent, folks, no take backs. Ten bucks says he regrets this decision.
Because I'm calling him "Bo." Remember "Bo," he's an important character.

Here's what Bo said about his "Top-Secret-Assassins-Slash-Superhero-Team-Extraslash" (in case you didn't read the last post, this is about who you'd have on your team to protect your hind-quarters from the inevitable space invader attack... and it will happen).

"Okay.
1.) Han: naturally.
2.) Dwayne the Rock Johnson: gotta have The People's Elbow if you want
alien turn around.
3.) Keanu Reeves: just to hear him say "Woah" to everything.

Then you and Scarlett Johansson.

The three of us will repopulate earth after victory. Han and Dwayne
can have shots with Scarlett to avoid incest babies later on. But I
figure me you and her would make a great team, if you know what I
mean.
Keanu gets no one, we don't want him repopulating anything."

... I don't like how he turned me into a baby making vending machine. Totally sexist... and totally claiming Head Wife. But bonus points for not throwing me at Han and Dwayne. Sorry, Scarlett.

This is entirely about Chops Manahan...ish.

And you'll often find me censoring him because he has no shame and I still have a little. But we can just pretend it's like.... mad-libs or some shit... it'll be fun.

So I should say a lil'sumtin'sumtin about Valentine's Day but..well..I don't want to. Hearts.

Chops Manahan (I call him Han) is my friend because he's unabashedly inappropriate, fucking hilarious, and can do an impressively high kick. So I figure if space invaders land for probidge (it's a word) or to turn us into meat suits, he's probably someone I'll want on my Top-Secret-Assassins-Slash-Superhero-Team-Extraslash. Along with Jackie Chan and Tom Cruise because they do their own stunts.

Unrelated: Just got bit by an ant. Livid.

Uhm. Found a site called Truth Control (that's how you know it's legit, it says *truth* right in the fucking title)

*High probability last year = screwed this year*

It's unmistakably clear we'll be needing Will Smith and Sigourney Weaver for their extensive knowledge in alien combat/tactics, piloting spacecraft, and saying shit like "welcome to erf" because, lets face it, we need one-liners for the movie. Plus they'll both look great in spandex.

I of course immediately harassed everyone with the following prompt:

If you were to develop a team in a battle against an alien invasion, who would you choose and why?

(I had to give my mother a three hour deadline because she neglects her children. Or she's busy at work a lot. I confuse the two.)

Snarks:

1. Bear Grylls: extensive survival training, possibly too much heart to eat us if we die.

2. Vin Diesel: he's buff, nice to look at, and, if Fast and the Furious taught me anything, he can steal and drive anything.

3. Joseph Gordon Leavitt: post apocalyptic breeding purposes, obviously.

Han:

1.[Insert-Friend's-Name-Here-Because-He's-Failing-To-Take-This-Seriously-And-Now-I-Have-To-Fucking-Ramble-So-He-Doesn't-Get-To-Play-Until-An-Update]: Tactical Recon Sniper

2. Fisty McGuiness [Another-One-of-Han's-Friends-Who's-Getting-An-Elaborate-Side-Note]: Heavy Weapons and Explosives Specialist

3. Lady [as in me...]: Alien Tech Expert

4. Paula Dean: Medic/Cook/-censored- (has good child bearing hips for re-population)

5. Barack Obama: Holy Savior and Unifier of the Wasteland... [I think he mixed me up with Barack]

-Sent From the John

Mom: "My four kids and Quin."

Me: "Stop."

Mom: "Dead serious. Pack of pirates. Just enough integrity to fight for the good guys, but perfectly capable of fighting dirty and to the death."

And then Quin happened. A lot.

...with a little denial...

Fired.

I like how everyone's preparing for the aftermath with need to plan for mass reproduction. 

I guess I'm just too focused on winning.

Horrible tangent.... Not all about Han. You guys haven't earned him, anyway. 

Quintilla Valentine has a tank full of sea monsters. I wouldn't lie to you.

Quintilla Valentine is my other best friend. Now, being raised in a conservative environment, you can imagine how having Quin (who needs to cleanse your house with sage and tell you how your aura corresponds with the planets or some shit) would be entirely too fascinating.

*Imagine what it would look like to see George Washington walking through the park with Phoebe from Friends.* Inorite?

Periodically I'll share some of the ridiculous situations she's gotten me in (yeah, Quin, I'm the victim here, you're a monster) up to and including the time I was drugged on pain killers from surgery and, in my state, Quin dyed my platinum blonde hair fire red. I was fifteen. Mom was irate.

Or the time we were in a fight for several months and the only thing that brought us together again was the abduction of a fluffy orange cat named Goofy.

Getting Lost in San Antonio and being attack by a half dead bat.

Quin locking herself in a dog kennel at a house party of close to 100 people because the puppy "was lonely."

Taking two 5-year-olds to Hooters because Quin felt like wings and it was the closest thing to the bowling ally.

Other fun Quin-facts include:

Right? And I'm wearing sneakers to the bar...

• Belly dancer.
• Pierces interesting parts of her body and makes me go with her.
• Burns incense (which is never about the smell and always about the effect it is to create).
• Wears shirts with giant sparkly tigers and heels with monsters.
• Identifies as a gamer and would probably have a cow if I didn't mention her 17,135 point gamer score on Xbox... {happy?}

She's also super feisty.

Ex: Guy voices his New Years resolution, going in depth as to his workout plan and new level of motivation. Her public response? "No one cares."

*Sigh* I'm surrounded by character animosity. And dog hair. But that's a different battle. Or the same... she has, like...4 dogs, 3 cats, some snakes and a tank full of alarmingly large "fish."

Okay I'm leaving you with a picture of Quin's pets in various displays of bad/erotic posture. Totally inspirational.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem... or some other cliché post title...

I think it's time for all of us to take a step back and really evaluate what we're saying and doing. I've decided to revisit some of the things I say and do on a regular basis that fall in the category of unacceptable behavior.

1. One-upping. Everything. Sometimes I camouflage it with "if it make's you feel any better," and continue with something horrific and voted most likely to make the individual cry in a ball on the floor of their tub. Super helpful.
2. Rage-mode. A mode I frequent and wish I didn't. It looks like the scene from King Kong 2005 when Kong's fighting off the two uppity T-Rex's. Except I'm all three of them. And making an ass out of myself.
3. Wandering brain. One of the more unflattering things I do. I'll think of some kind of conflict I've been in and realize oh I should have said this. Pretty soon I'm thinking then I'll be like 'effyoo, snatchface' and elbow her in the kidney however I'm sitting in the office at work... with wandering brain... making some of the most ridiculous and completely unattractive faces I've ever made... People stare. Don't do it.

Sometime's I like to think no one picks up on my social ineptitude. But let's face it, I'm about as graceful as an elephant in a china shop. Yay for self realization/improvement.

For continued helpful hints I've found this resource. Seems legit. You guys owe me one.

Why would you ever block or delete people like this?

I just... don't... how... *sigh*

Go home, bro, you're drunk.