Thursday, July 18, 2013

Just the BIGGEST variety of people in my life...

And I'm not going to please everyone.
So if you're upset with the way I explain things, feel free to take a nap in a busy street. The impulse to mute my inner dialogue for you  just isn't there. This is me. I kinda like it.


Moving on.
The next series of posts are going to be all about my trip in Montana with my hilarious and beautifully eclectic family.


  • Airport hick screaming on the phone about tacos
  • Skunk hunting
  • Mud
  • Shooting... things....
  • Arizona residents exposed to water sports
  • More mud
  • Shifty miniature donkeys (donkies? donkiez? donks? Screw it...)
  • My fabulous 100 year old great grandmother
  • The mini-me (much to the rest of my family's dismay)
  • Mom crying... a lot... (tears of joy, guys, happy ones)
  • Getting molested by a blonde TSA agent because I had "bomb residue" on my hands (that embarrassed the hell out of my brother... he was yelling at me the whole time as if that helped matters... can't get lucky anywhere... She had such a gentle touch...)
  • Trying to catch a kitten with a bowl of cereal and a laundry basket

Be ready.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Help? You can help me by not forcing an "awkward-over-share" of my personal life for internet privileges... Your move.

Wow, it's been a while. So sorry. I've been in what Chops Manahan likes to call my "depression hovel."
In realizing it's been forever and a day since my last post, I'll apologize immediately and "crack on."

I got a little frustrated with my internet provider's Online Chat dude (we'll call him Online Chat Dude), and he handled it with the bravery of a Lion.

Online Chat Dude: Hello Lady Fixedblade. How may I assist you today?
Me: I just called to be the "responsible party" for the account. But I'm unable to start my own billing account because it says [ex-boyfriend] is managing it. I'd like to set up online bill pay
Online Chat Dude: I will be happy to assist you.
Online Chat DudeWill you please verify the telephone number or account number that you have with us?
Me: [Phone number]
Online Chat Dude: Just to verify that I am speaking with the responsible party on this account, please provide me with your Blahdyblah Security Code or your Blahdyblah Security Answer. If you have created a Security Answer, the hint that you entered can be provided to you if you do not remember it.
Me: That's the thing it WAS his account and he transferred responsibility to me...? I just called and had it transferred but it's still under him online?
Me: It was under [ex-boyfriend]'s account
Me: And it shouldn't be anymore
Online Chat Dude: One moment please
Me: I was just trying to enroll a new account under my name.
Online Chat Dude: Okay
Online Chat Dude: Just to verify that I am speaking with a responsible party on this account, please provide me with your complete billing address, along with either the last four digits of the account holder's SSN or three digit account code.
Me: [my address]
Me: [SSN]
Online Chat Dude: I see that it's under your name?
Me: .... right.... alas I cannot log on to my account =(
Online Chat Dude: Just to verify that I am speaking with the responsible party on this account, please provide me with your Blahdyblah Security Code or your Blahdyblah Security Answer. If you have created a Security Answer, the hint that you entered can be provided to you if you do not remember it.
Me: I didn't set that up online... but I'd be happy to give you this conformation number: [number]
Me: the only things the guy asked for on the phone was my billing address, ssn, name, and birthday.
Me: didn't set up a security question or any of that stuff.
Online Chat Dude: The hint is work
Me: It's not my security question to answer, he could have put basket weaving for all I know.
Online Chat Dude: I will need that code to get you into your account
Me: But it's HIS account... I'd like one. =)
Online Chat Dude: It's under the same account numbe
Me: One moment please
Online Chat Dude: r
Online Chat Dude: Okay
Me: [my workplace]
Me: that's MY work.
Online Chat Dude: That's not what I show here on file. I do apologize for that
Me: Alright, Online Chat Dude, let me give you the low-down here just in case there's any misunderstanding of the situation: I was living with [ex-boyfriend], he was the account holder. He moved out and transferred the internet over to me so I didn't have to go through the craziness... I called, they said it was mine (this was LITERALLY two seconds ago) so I said "Hey, I'll set up online bill pay" and now it's all "access denied, it's HIS stuff, not yours" and I'm all "but...but... they just said it's mine." Get it?
Online Chat Dude: Yes. Did you call him to get the security code to make changes
Me: He said "I honestly don't know what I put my security code under. Try [workplace]." And as much as I would like to call him again, he moved out for a reason (hint hint). This is frustrating. Try [workplace]?
Online Chat Dude: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.
Online Chat Dude: It's a 4 digit number
Online Chat Dude: I can send you the code via US mail
Me: Yeah, and then the internet shuts off... and I can't watch Glee when the internet's off... Hold on.
Online Chat Dude: If you prefer to only pay the bill online, you may use our Quick Bill Pay option. This option can be found under the green button at the top right of our home page at www.[blahdyblah].com. This option requires you to log in only with your account billing number and service address ZIP code.
Me: [number]
Online Chat Dude: You would do that on the website
Me: ....Ahem....4 digit number -> [number]
Online Chat Dude: Thank you
Online Chat Dude: Would you like me to delete the account so you can set up a new online account?
Me: Yes, Online Chat Dude, that would be lovely.
Online Chat Dude: Done
Me: Thank you. Appreciate it... =|
Online Chat Dude: May I ask what you do for TV services?
Me: Hulu.
Online Chat Dude: What do you like about that service?
Me: It has all the shows I watch, less ads.... green interface...
Online Chat Dude: Okay, well BlahdyBlah now bundles with Blah
Me: I am well aware. It doesn't have a green interface. I won't waste any more of your time. Have a good one, Online Chat Dude, this has been... delightful.
Online Chat Dude: You're welcome. May I help you with anything else today?
Me: Nope! All set!

Then I end up talking to customer service AGAIN because THIS jack ass lied and I still couldn't get in there.

I ended up talking to Phone Dude. I told him the same damn thing ("waaahhhh I broke up with my boyfriend and I just want to eat a tub of ice cream and watch chick flicks online because that's totally something I would do.... and stuff...")

Phone Dude was all "Oh honey I'm so sorry, let me set it up for you and give you a month free."
Me: (using sexy phone voice) Thank you SO much, Phone Dude, you really made my day.
Phone Dude: Oh not a problem at all, you just tell that other guy over there to pay his bill.
Me: *giggle* I'd be glad to.
[hang up]
Me: Idiot. REDDIT TIME.

I'm going to end up as a customer service course topic for their orientations now... Beaming with pride.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Don't be a schmuck.

I'm not in a funny mood lately, so if you're waiting for me to post a picture of a cat wearing a Transformer's costume or a rant about my friends skip this, we'll get to that later.

For anyone else there's this; in hopes that it might give you some inkling of insight.

I don't have bad luck. You don't either, there's no such thing. That's just something people say when they don't want to take responsibility for the things happening around them or are ignorant enough to feel victimized when life doesn't go their way. It's nothing but an excuse for people who surround themselves with emotionally unstable people, live in rougher areas, or have family lives with a plague of problems.

You aren't a chopping block and when you act like one there's zero room for self improvement. You'll never soul search and see a situation for what it really is because you've blinded yourself with a pity party. Stop. Either take the initiative and better what's in front of you or walk away. Walking away doesn't mean you're running from your problems, it means you fold and there's nothing wrong with that.

Rough situations don't make you stronger, they never will. What makes you stronger is your awareness of it and acceptance of yourself as someone who has made. a. mistake. People suck. They do and say terrible things that could alter the way you mentally operate for the rest of your life. You'll feel like you can never trust again and be filled with hate. That's good. Now you can be the person who was betrayed and is strong enough to still let people in. Strong enough to allow multiple chances. True strength is being honest with yourself and becoming durable with the hits, brushing yourself off, and charging back in there.

Being vulnerable is strength. It takes a lot of willpower for someone to be open again after feeling continuously screwed. Forgive yourself and move on. That will help you when you need it most. Know yourself. Get hurt, find out why, and actually use the experience. Quit saying "it'll make me stronger" when you have no intention of seeing the big picture.

There's no such thing as bad luck. There's the dilemma and how you approach it. There's the person who fucked up your world and there's you not letting them take something from you. They can't take your trust, compassion, and self worth; you're giving it to them in defeat. Man up and hold onto the things that make you you. Bounce back with your new found strength because it wont be the last time something happens. I can promise you that.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Staging a Coup

I'm an avid believer in bullying my mother and stealing things I like (or dislike) from her house. And an avid believer in corporal punishment...now that I don't live with her.

Feel free to judge, but deep down you're wishing you had four sets of measuring cups and countless books on home decor.

Here's the previous inventory count of mom's fridge:

  • Six bottles of obscure/repulsive beer
  • Two bottles of gin
  • Two jars of huckleberry jam
  • Noodles


So, mom's big on decorating the house with antiques and fanciness, but she has this god awful light up gnome. And when anyone asks about it she says "it's French."
Probably because it's creepy, plastic, and constantly lit.

Shifty Bastard...
Enough was enough. I left this in it's place..


We took some pictures, had a few laughs... Mom didn't think it was funny...
Getting silly on New Years
Then one night while I was at work, I received these pictures. Slowly.. One by one. I figured out what had happened when I saw my attack wolf incarcerated.



Marching down the street... utter confusion.
 Huh... Familiar screen door.
Oh dear God.....
Celebration of all men green.
How those little men cornered my vicious guard brute into a cage is beyond me... He'd be more useful as a jacket.

Moral: Take Toy Story more seriously.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Oh, NOW he wants to play.


I know this is starting to get confusing so I'll make a "character" list for your reference. 

I'd call it a "friend" list but...well....
Just try and stay with me here.
[Insert-Friend's-Name-Here-Because-He's-Failing-To-Take-This-Seriously-And-Now-I-Have-To-Fucking-Ramble-So-He-Doesn't-Get-To-Play-Until-An-Update] from my previous post is now to be called "Hobo Fett."  I guess.

Names are permanent, folks, no take backs. Ten bucks says he regrets this decision.
Because I'm calling him "Bo." Remember "Bo," he's an important character.
Here's what Bo said about his "Top-Secret-Assassins-Slash-Superhero-Team-Extraslash" (in case you didn't read the last post, this is about who you'd have on your team to protect your hind-quarters from the inevitable space invader attack... and it will happen).
"Okay.
1.) Han: naturally.
2.) Dwayne the Rock Johnson: gotta have The People's Elbow if you want
alien turn around.
3.) Keanu Reeves: just to hear him say "Woah" to everything.
Then you and Scarlett Johansson.
The three of us will repopulate earth after victory. Han and Dwayne
can have shots with Scarlett to avoid incest babies later on. But I
figure me you and her would make a great team,
if you know what I
mean.

Keanu gets no one, we don't want him repopulating anything."
... I don't like how he turned me into a baby making vending machine. Totally sexist... and totally claiming Head Wife. But bonus points for not throwing me at Han and Dwayne. Sorry, Scarlett.


Thursday, February 14, 2013

This is entirely about Chops Manahan...ish.

And you'll often find me censoring him because he has no shame and I still have a little. But we can just pretend it's like.... mad-libs or some shit... it'll be fun.

So I should say a lil'sumtin'sumtin about Valentine's Day but..well..I don't want to. Hearts.

Chops Manahan (I call him Han) is my friend because he's unabashedly inappropriate, fucking hilarious, and can do an impressively high kick. So I figure if space invaders land for probidge (it's a word) or to turn us into meat suits, he's probably someone I'll want on my Top-Secret-Assassins-Slash-Superhero-Team-Extraslash. Along with Jackie Chan and Tom Cruise because they do their own stunts.

Unrelated: Just got bit by an ant. Livid.

Uhm. Found a site called Truth Control (that's how you know it's legit, it says *truth* right in the fucking title)

*High probability last year = screwed this year*
It's unmistakably clear we'll be needing Will Smith and Sigourney Weaver for their extensive knowledge in alien combat/tactics, piloting spacecraft, and saying shit like "welcome to erf" because, lets face it, we need one-liners for the movie. Plus they'll both look great in spandex.

I of course immediately harassed everyone with the following prompt:
If you were to develop a team in a battle against an alien invasion, who would you choose and why?

(I had to give my mother a three hour deadline because she neglects her children. Or she's busy at work a lot. I confuse the two.)

1. Bear Grylls: extensive survival training, possibly too much heart to eat us if we die.
2. Vin Diesel: he's buff, nice to look at, and, if Fast and the Furious taught me anything, he can steal and drive anything.
3. Joseph Gordon Leavitt: post apocalyptic breeding purposes, obviously.

Han:
1.[Insert-Friend's-Name-Here-Because-He's-Failing-To-Take-This-Seriously-And-Now-I-Have-To-Fucking-Ramble-So-He-Doesn't-Get-To-Play-Until-An-Update]: Tactical Recon Sniper
2. Fisty McGuiness [Another-One-of-Han's-Friends-Who's-Getting-An-Elaborate-Side-Note]: Heavy Weapons and Explosives Specialist
3. Lady [as in me...]: Alien Tech Expert
4. Paula Dean: Medic/Cook/-censored- (has good child bearing hips for re-population)
5. Barack Obama: Holy Savior and Unifier of the Wasteland... [I think he mixed me up with Barack]
-Sent From the John

Mom: "My four kids and Quin."
Me: "Stop."
Mom: "Dead serious. Pack of pirates. Just enough integrity to fight for the good guys, but perfectly capable of fighting dirty and to the death."


And then Quin happened. A lot.
...with a little denial...


Fired.

I like how everyone's preparing for the aftermath with need to plan for mass reproduction. 
I guess I'm just too focused on winning.

Horrible tangent.... Not all about Han. You guys haven't earned him, anyway. 



Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Quintilla Valentine has a tank full of sea monsters. I wouldn't lie to you.

Quintilla Valentine is my other best friend. Now, being raised in a conservative environment, you can imagine how having Quin (who needs to cleanse your house with sage and tell you how your aura corresponds with the planets or some shit) would be entirely too fascinating.

*Imagine what it would look like to see George Washington walking through the park with Phoebe from Friends.* Inorite?

Periodically I'll share some of the ridiculous situations she's gotten me in (yeah, Quin, I'm the victim here, you're a monster) up to and including the time I was drugged on pain killers from surgery and, in my state, Quin dyed my platinum blonde hair fire red. I was fifteen. Mom was irate.

Or the time we were in a fight for several months and the only thing that brought us together again was the abduction of a fluffy orange cat named Goofy.

Getting Lost in San Antonio and being attack by a half dead bat.

Quin locking herself in a dog kennel at a house party of close to 100 people because the puppy "was lonely."

Taking two 5-year-olds to Hooters because Quin felt like wings and it was the closest thing to the bowling ally.

Other fun Quin-facts include:
Right? And I'm wearing sneakers to the bar...

  • Belly dancer.
  • Pierces interesting parts of her body and makes me go with her.
  • Burns incense (which is never about the smell and always about the effect it is to create).
  • Wears shirts with giant sparkly tigers and heels with monsters.
  • Identifies as a gamer and would probably have a cow if I didn't mention her 17,135 point gamer score on Xbox... {happy?}

She's also super feisty.

Ex: Guy voices his New Years resolution, going in depth as to his workout plan and new level of motivation. Her public response? "No one cares."

*Sigh* I'm surrounded by character animosity. And dog hair. But that's a different battle. Or the same... she has, like...4 dogs, 3 cats, some snakes and a tank full of alarmingly large "fish."

Okay I'm leaving you with a picture of Quin's pets in various displays of bad/erotic posture. Totally inspirational.